Bad Orgy
Local paper advertisement,
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All enquiries will be replied,
A good sense of humour is not required.
I was coerced and under rehearsed
Self conscious, wishing I was unconscious,
I was never born with the technique,
To commit acts of which we cannot speak.
I don’t want to be aroused,
In this grubby council house,
I’ve no wish to copulate,
Infront of a plumber’s mate.
It’s a bad orgy,
The worst one I’ve ever seen,
The worst one I’ve ever been to.
I had to look away when approached by a middle aged woman from Stoke,
She’d been on the road since six due to the traffic on the M6
A girl who stacks shelves in an out of town DIY stores was manacled to the floor,
A sales rep from Leamington Spa was squeezed into a second hand purple bra
And yes I really do mind, to take you from behind
I’ve no wish to go upstairs with that couple from Broadstairs.
I Am The Very Limit
I am the scum of the Earth,
I should have been drowned at birth,
I’m way past any kind of redemption,
That you’re liable to mention
I’m spinning out of control,
And it’s all down to alcohol,
I’m trouble with a capital ‘T’
I’m out of my fucking tree.
Criminals have washed their hands of me,
I’m a big let down to my family,
I’m wasting valuable living space,
Aimlessly going no place.
Uneducated, Underdeveloped,
Under Police surveillance,
Riddled with cynicism,
Prone to outbursts of racism
Blighted with a severe case of sexism
I am worthless,
I am pointless,
I am useless.
When I look in the mirror, I see a potential serial killer,
A stalker, jay-walker, nuisance caller.
I am the author of crank letters,
With no chance of ever getting better
The Church has threatened ex-communication
The Judiciary wans to bring back Transportation
Let me be a warning to the young of this land
Things seldom turn out as planned.
We’re All Gonna Die
You say don’t worry, things will get better,
Everything will be ok, some time, some day,
But what are you taling about?
What are you talking about?
This may be news yo tou,
I have some news for you.
We’re all Gonna Die
From a terrible incurable disease,
Shot by a terrorist in the knees,
Hung by a lynch mob,
Struck down by an act of God
Murdered by a jealous ex-beau
Frozen to death, lost in the snow.
Poisoned by one of them fish they eat in Japan,
Kidnapped and executed in Iran.
Run off the road by a drunken driver,
Given bad oxygen by a deep sea diver,
Beaten in a cell by a bent copper,
Suffocated by a space hopper.
Throat slit by a complete stranger,
Stabbed at Loftus Road by a Queens Park Ranger
Car bomb planted in a VW Polo
Assassinated by Napoleon Solo.
I Met My Girlfriend At A Friars Gig
Her brother operated the lights rig,
We got married and had four kids.
She was a pretty thing from the High School
She made a man of me in the cattle market.
The Borough Assembly Hall has gone,
The Civic Centre is coming down,
The Ship Inn is a pile of rubble,
The Green Man is a wine bar.
She’s happy now in Fairford Leys
We hope to move to Watermead.
Mitten On A Railing
I’ve been pissed on from a great height,
Left alone to drink in the pub all night,
I feel so sorry for myself,
Sitting here on the shelf.
I’ve been beaten up by drunken men,
I’ve never been anyone’s fancy man
They stuck a ‘Kick Me’ sticker on my back
They stuck a ‘I Smell ‘ sticker on my back
And due to all my failings,
I’m like a Mitten on a Railing.
Mark E Smith Wannabe
Another Mark E Smith Wannabe,
Yeah you, take your place in the queue.
Your pickled wits on the graveyard shift,
You’re on Salford 96.2FM
And all that static on your nylon shirts,
Smoking 60 a day until your sinuses hurt.
Your mothers’ hands are raw from cleaning the front step,
The step where you spit and you shit.
I took the National Express from Coventry,
I keep a fly in a jar for appearances’ sake,
Everything O do is for appearances’ sake,
That’s why I was put on this earth.
Rough Trade
At school with Pete Donne,
Never done me no good,
A fat lot of good that was.
Ain’t never been on no Rough Trade compilation.
Excuse me are you local?
Rough Trade, in a flat above Rough Trade,
Where I fell ill, in Notting Hill.
They melted my records down, I believe,
Sold the vinyl to finance the Swell Maps, I believe,
I have no proof,
But I’ve got some cameras in their roof.
Song for Mark E. Smith
Poisoned by lead, I’ve heard it said,
Set fire to his bed with a lit Benson & Hedges.
Out of his head,
Cut then he bled,
Salford will mourn their favourite son,
It’ll be a month of Sundays
Before they get another one.
How will we cope,
Asks Julian Cope?
We all feel the hurt,
Elephant Man, John Hurt .
It’s a sad story,
Says the Badly Drawn Bouy,
I’ve never heard of him,
Ex-Championship boxer Barry McGuigan.
Geoff Travis? Dave Lee Travis, more like.
Life’s Cheap
Two bags of meat, buy one get one for free,
That’s right - life’s cheap around here.
I’m on a rocket ship to the moon,
I have no ticket, repeat, I have no ticket.
Correct - life’s cheap around here.
So you find me in the cupboard beneath the stairs,
I breath second hand air,
You heard me, life’s cheap around here.
Buy this and you get this too
You can live in a cave
And learn to behave
It’s a fact - life’s cheap around here.
My Secretary
She makes all my appointments,
She covers me in ointment.
I got her from the small ads,
I found her in the small ads,
She’s my secretary.
She worked for a decorator,
He did not appreciate her.
She’s got one of those small cars,
I gave her the money for it,
She took all money for it.
Kitchen Sink Disco (23.4.04)
We have a song about Morrissey, on our newly released CD
It struck a chord with Ben who runs a club in Piccadilly,
That’s Manchester, son - not soft shandy drinking London.
So we all set off at noon, and pretty soon,
We were sitting in traffic on the M1,
South of Northampton - Junction15,
Which just happens to be the home of the Retro Spankees.
We’re all present and correct,
At the Kitchen Sink Discotheque,
But Tara Mascara has gone and lost her headphones.
The poor girl’s a nervous wreck,
At the Kitchen Sink Discotheque,
Because Tara Mascara’s gone and lost her headphones
We met Ben and the Retro Spankees in the pub,
Then we went up to the club,
Kevin, Brother Dave and Jon went off for Dim Sum,
Richard and I had another drink,
And had time to talk and think.
But there’s a rumour in the club,
It’s an inside insurance job,
And Tara Mascara hasn’t lost her headphones,
The story is, she’d done it before,
And in 1984, with the money that she got,
She bought a great big fuck off yacht.
So where are Tara Mascara’s headphones?
Nice Little Bust
In God I now trust, I’ve seen your nice little bust
Caress it , I must, your nice little bust.
I’m in such a fuss,
Because of your nice little bust.
I’m overtaken with lust
Oh your nice little bust
My Lesbian Sister
What’s the point of being a fan?
That’s a job for a stupid man.
It’s all over this town,
This is the talk of the town,
This rumour going round,
About My Lesbian Sister.
Written on all the walls,
Read and re-read by all,
My Lesbian Sister
What got into her head ?
In a second hand bed,
My Lesbian Sister
I take refuge with an easy-going barber.
London Branch of The Captain Beefheart Supporters’ Club
His name’s Don,
May be Dutch,
Something Dutch there.
I have gone to his hometown,
Try to track him down.
So tell me young sir,
They say you used to cut his hair
This is the place he’d park his car,
Now he can afford a Jaguar.
Captain Beefheart Supporters Club,
Run by computers,
It couldn’t have been done before,
Not before computers.
Madam, I believe you were his first wife,
He, as I believe, promised you a quiet life,
But then he met some men,
And spent a great deal of time with them,
Often he would not return until 5 a.m.
I Hate My Life
I walk a mile in a white training shoe,
I take a jet plane to escape a fat domineering wife,
I have been charged by the magistrate
For carrying a kitchen knife.
I hate my life.
My car stinks of sweat,
My shoes are made of PVC,
My mistress uses me for free meals,
I have been cuckolded by an immigrant,
I hate my life.
My headmaster wrote to me,
He is taking back my three GSE’s
An ex girlfriend mocked me in the street,
I hate my life. I wake up in a hospital,
On a ring road, in a market town,
I am happy in this bed,
My kidneys are leaking lead.
I hate my life.
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